You’re Probably Thinking About Boundaries Wrong 

Taylor Baez, MA

You can’t control other people’s actions.

You can’t yell at me anymore is not a boundary. You can yell if you want but if you do, I will leave the house for an hour is a boundary. A boundary is not a command. Boundaries are your rules for yourself, not your rules for others. You can’t manage someone else’s emotions for them. I can’t manage your anger for you, but what I can do is tell you that this pattern is not working for me and I can tell you what I will do if you keep doing it.  

Set new boundaries when everyone is regulated. 

During conflicts, our fight or flight response is activated. When this happens, the higher developed thinking part of our brains tend to shut down. Establishing a new boundary during this time will not be as successful as revisiting the conflict at a later non-stressed time. Three nights ago you yelled at me and continued to do so after I asked you to stop. I did not feel emotionally safe within that moment. In the future, if you don’t stop yelling when I ask you to I am going to leave the house and we can revisit the disagreement calmly at a later time.

Use boundaries to strengthen your relationship with others. 

It is common for others to think that you’re establishing a boundary because you no longer like them or you’re mad at them. You are telling me to stop calling you at 2am because you don’t want to be my friend anymore. It can be calming to the other person to hear how this boundary actually strengthens your friendship with them and they may be more likely to understand the boundary. I don’t sleep well when I answer the phone at 2am and I don’t feel like I’m as present for you as I want to be when we talk. 

Other people don’t have to like your boundaries: 

Ultimately, boundaries are a great form of self-care, self-love, and anti self-sabotage. While it’d be great if we never needed to set boundaries with others, chances are that you will get some resistance in response to a new boundary. Others don’t have to agree with your boundaries for yourself, just like no one has to agree with you being a vegetarian or your workout routine.

Totally legitimate reasons to set boundaries: 

This doesn’t make me feel good about myself. 

I want something different than this.

That isn’t a pattern I want in my life. 

I just don’t like it.  

Saying yes to others means you’re saying no to yourself.

Sometimes this isn’t a big deal. You say yes to hanging out with your friend after work tomorrow, so you’re saying no to your normal bedtime one day out of the week. That’s probably fine. When you’re saying no to yourself on bigger themes and frequently, this can be a form of self-sabotage. You say yes to staying late at work every time, so you’re saying no to your value of quality time with your family. 

Want to talk more about boundaries? Taylor has immediate openings for traditional therapy, brief therapy, and Prepare & Enrich premarital counseling. She also recently wrote this cool piece about using our love languages with ourselves.